Unfixed
Its hard for me to decide when to visit Piper at her grave. Sometimes I am nudged by her older brothers, other times I feel the need to touch her headstone and say out loud, "I love you". Sometimes I feel like a bad mom because I just drive by. Today, I felt rushed between things, but also felt I needed to visit. As I drove down the gravel road, the sun peaking through the clouds casting beautiful shadows next to each headstone, I saw a new grave being prepared near Piper. A new neighbor, and a new family in the trenches of their loss. I told Piper I hope she has a new friend to play with, but also apologized that another baby wasn't in their mommas arms. Surprised by unfamiliar emotions casting over me, I started to feel angry, followed by helpless, followed by confusion. I looked at the small patch of dirt, rickety table and square piece of artifical grass waiting to welcome the family to their baby's permanent resting space. How would they turn that old table into