Unfixed

Its hard for me to decide when to visit Piper at her grave. Sometimes I am nudged by her older brothers, other times I feel the need to touch her headstone and say out loud, "I love you". Sometimes I feel like a bad mom because I just drive by. Today, I felt rushed between things, but also felt I needed to visit. As I drove down the gravel road, the sun peaking through the clouds casting beautiful shadows next to each headstone, I saw a new grave being prepared near Piper. A new neighbor, and a new family in the trenches of their loss. I told Piper I hope she has a new friend to play with, but also apologized that another baby wasn't in their mommas arms. Surprised by unfamiliar emotions casting over me, I started to feel angry, followed by helpless, followed by confusion. I looked at the small patch of dirt, rickety table and square piece of artifical grass waiting to welcome the family to their baby's permanent resting space. How would they turn that old table into something beautiful to hold and display all they wanted during the funeral? It wasnt a crib with their breathing baby, it was an old, brown, scratched table. My chest tightened and increased sensations moved down my shoulders into my wrists and hands. I wanted to make a fist, but I also wanted to cry. I did neither, I was left trapped in the stillness of my mixed emotions. I didn't want another baby buried. I wondered if this family would be loved in their grief? Would they have support? Were they alone?

Every family that I walk the path with after loss becomes in someway part of me, I hurt a little with them. I want to take away their pain, tell them everything I have learned and experienced, be their guiding light, fix deeply hurtful feelings and thoughts they experience. But fixing is toxic in grief. The hurt, growth, confusion, anger, longing, sadness, tears, are all part of the foundation each family is establishing not by choice, but out of necessity. Brick by brick they are developing their path.

As bystandars we cannot take that opportunity away from them, we are only there, if invited in, to wind our path a little closer to theirs. As they walk and build, we eb and flow our path to be closer or further. As flowers grow along side their bricks, we can offer to help water them. When their bricks crack and crumble, we can offer to pause on our path to be with them. 

Allow them both space and time to tip toe, leap, thud, slide on their path towards being unfixed. Allow buds of grief to bloom into flowers of beauty . 

**Activity: Entering into a mindset unfamiliar.  "A path not yet taken". Filled with emotions that don't have names yet. Allowing the unnamed emotions to slowly lift up from our bellys to our hearts, slowly escaping through our ribs. Release with an audible breath. Repeat when needed. This is both a mental and physical experience and opportunity of connection to ourselves.