Piper Lynn

Depression is wondering how you can do so much while being so sad and disconnected from yourself. It's wondering why you can be so many wonderful things to so many people and feel like nothing for yourself.  It's wanting so much for everyone else to get you, to get the "it" that haunts you, but knowing no one can say anything to make a difference. It's feeling so deeply it hurts. Managing depression is not an end goal. There is never an "end", there is only a path.  Depression is hating yourself, feeling alone in a crowded room, wondering why you can't just feel the way everyone else does. It's living in your 16 year old brain of self centered thoughts and risky behavior.  Depression makes you wonder and wonder. Depression makes you acutely aware that there isn't a cure to the ugly thoughts that haunt you. It robs you of joy, connection and clarity.  Depression is a demon, that only an exorcism can extract. There has to be an end, but at the

I am acutely aware that my emotion and fragility about my Piper dying is not as deep and blinding as it once was. And yet, I still have moments where the hurt makes itself know, usually followed by "what if?", "I wish", guilt and sometimes anger (still). Her existence is part of this beautiful world, her spirit, her purpose, her selfless - love. But even this month, two years after she died- it still feels like that isn't enough. I am brought back to her when I connect with the work I am doing with Piper's Purpose. But when I feel like what I am providing or saying is not enough to the ones who just lost their baby, can't conceive, have experienced added trauma at the hands of medical professionals, I am left with new sadness and dissapointment. Just lingering in my being. I want to do more, say the right thing that helps, carry a little of the burden for them... but that doesn't seem possible, and I know I can't stop someone from experiencing th

I wrote something beautiful about you.  It made me feel alive and validated... in the mushy, kid- like way. Where for a moment the wisdom of age and innocence of new love met. Magical feelings that sprinkle like fairy dust.  It represented all that we had accomplished together. I felt love, in love and I wanted you. Today what I write to you is broken and bruised. It's shaded with graphite pencil, darker in its core.  I don't feel that magical, colorful, wistful love. I feel the havy, dirty, mud stuck to the bottom of my boots, the ones that don't fit me in the first place. I am wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting back and forth as my Jaw viciously controls each movement.  Their is a big storm brewing... the storm chasers won't be able to catch it. Mother nature can't stop it. I will hide in the bunker, hope for sunshine in the morning and will venture to explore the destruction, alone, tired, wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting

Its hard for me to decide when to visit Piper at her grave. Sometimes I am nudged by her older brothers, other times I feel the need to touch her headstone and say out loud, "I love you". Sometimes I feel like a bad mom because I just drive by. Today, I felt rushed between things, but also felt I needed to visit. As I drove down the gravel road, the sun peaking through the clouds casting beautiful shadows next to each headstone, I saw a new grave being prepared near Piper. A new neighbor, and a new family in the trenches of their loss. I told Piper I hope she has a new friend to play with, but also apologized that another baby wasn't in their mommas arms. Surprised by unfamiliar emotions casting over me, I started to feel angry, followed by helpless, followed by confusion. I looked at the small patch of dirt, rickety table and square piece of artifical grass waiting to welcome the family to their baby's permanent resting space. How would they turn that old table into

I can't believe it myself. You are here. With Gratitude we accept you into our hearts. With Love we will give you everything we have. You are perfect, you are you.  Blonde hair, soft skin, long toes and a joyful mouth curved up at the edges. We Love you.  And We miss you. We are forever changed.  I am forever yours, even though you are not forever mine. 

Today I had an hour alone. As I drove with the windows down, having space to experience the feel and sound of the wind blowing, I thought "I haven't been this happy in a long time." The thought was fleeting, because I became scared to think this. The months after after experiencing loss - I subconsciously was living and keeping myself in a place of "sad". For many reasons my spirit needed this to protect me during those initial months of deep grief and scary depression. There were chemical changes happening in my brain that were out of my control. My mind remained in this state because I believed that this was how I would feel forever and because it didn't seem fair to feel happy.  But today is different. When people told me my response to grief would change, and it's role in my life would shift with time- I didn't believe them.  But today is different,  I get it now.  No two timelines are the same for everyone.  Some people want to hear "it wil