"We are a group" is how I used to start explaining Piper's Purpose. I would at some point in the conversation also share "no we don't have plans to become an official non- profit". Fast forward to today, the conversation has changed. "Piper's Purpose is a non profit, 501 (c) 3, with a board of directors, big dreams, great ideas and a targeted mission that includes nurturing connection and providing bereavement education in the pregnancy and infant loss community". A little over two years ago, a little girl's heart stopped beating. She died. Her family began experiencing grief. Her purpose began. Piper's Purpose began to help me, Piper's Mom. Today I hope her purpose will continue to support others on their healing journey, starting with medical professionals. Piper's voice is silent, but strong and I am honored to have learned from her and give her short life a lifelong purpose.
I am acutely aware that my emotion and fragility about my Piper dying is not as deep and blinding as it once was. And yet, I still have moments where the hurt makes itself know, usually followed by "what if?", "I wish", guilt and sometimes anger (still). Her existence is part of this beautiful world, her spirit, her purpose, her selfless - love. But even this month, two years after she died- it still feels like that isn't enough. I am brought back to her when I connect with the work I am doing with Piper's Purpose. But when I feel like what I am providing or saying is not enough to the ones who just lost their baby, can't conceive, have experienced added trauma at the hands of medical professionals, I am left with new sadness and dissapointment. Just lingering in my being. I want to do more, say the right thing that helps, carry a little of the burden for them... but that doesn't seem possible, and I know I can't stop someone from experiencing th...
Depression is wondering how you can do so much while being so sad and disconnected from yourself. It's wondering why you can be so many wonderful things to so many people and feel like nothing for yourself. It's wanting so much for everyone else to get you, to get the "it" that haunts you, but knowing no one can say anything to make a difference. It's feeling so deeply it hurts. Managing depression is not an end goal. There is never an "end", there is only a path. Depression is hating yourself, feeling alone in a crowded room, wondering why you can't just feel the way everyone else does. It's living in your 16 year old brain of self centered thoughts and risky behavior. Depression makes you wonder and wonder. Depression makes you acutely aware that there isn't a cure to the ugly thoughts that haunt you. It robs you of joy, connection and clarity. Depression is a demon, that only an exorcism can extract. There has to be an end, but at the ...
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