Staring blankly. Thinking clouded. Nowhere to be, but nothing to do. I am scared. Chest heavy. Eyes drowsy. I am going somewhere, Nowhere to be known. I am leaving somewhere, I don't understand. Thoughts unable to stop, like bleeding from an unopened, uncared for wound. My scream is silent. My world isn't listening.
I wrote something beautiful about you. It made me feel alive and validated... in the mushy, kid- like way. Where for a moment the wisdom of age and innocence of new love met. Magical feelings that sprinkle like fairy dust. It represented all that we had accomplished together. I felt love, in love and I wanted you. Today what I write to you is broken and bruised. It's shaded with graphite pencil, darker in its core. I don't feel that magical, colorful, wistful love. I feel the havy, dirty, mud stuck to the bottom of my boots, the ones that don't fit me in the first place. I am wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting back and forth as my Jaw viciously controls each movement. Their is a big storm brewing... the storm chasers won't be able to catch it. Mother nature can't stop it. I will hide in the bunker, hope for sunshine in the morning and will venture to explore the destruction, alone, tired, wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting...
"We are a group" is how I used to start explaining Piper's Purpose. I would at some point in the conversation also share "no we don't have plans to become an official non- profit". Fast forward to today, the conversation has changed. "Piper's Purpose is a non profit, 501 (c) 3, with a board of directors, big dreams, great ideas and a targeted mission that includes nurturing connection and providing bereavement education in the pregnancy and infant loss community". A little over two years ago, a little girl's heart stopped beating. She died. Her family began experiencing grief. Her purpose began. Piper's Purpose began to help me, Piper's Mom. Today I hope her purpose will continue to support others on their healing journey, starting with medical professionals. Piper's voice is silent, but strong and I am honored to have learned from her and give her short life a lifelong purpose.
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