"We are a group" is how I used to start explaining Piper's Purpose. I would at some point in the conversation also share "no we don't have plans to become an official non- profit". Fast forward to today, the conversation has changed. "Piper's Purpose is a non profit, 501 (c) 3, with a board of directors, big dreams, great ideas and a targeted mission that includes nurturing connection and providing bereavement education in the pregnancy and infant loss community". A little over two years ago, a little girl's heart stopped beating. She died. Her family began experiencing grief. Her purpose began. Piper's Purpose began to help me, Piper's Mom. Today I hope her purpose will continue to support others on their healing journey, starting with medical professionals. Piper's voice is silent, but strong and I am honored to have learned from her and give her short life a lifelong purpose.
I wrote something beautiful about you. It made me feel alive and validated... in the mushy, kid- like way. Where for a moment the wisdom of age and innocence of new love met. Magical feelings that sprinkle like fairy dust. It represented all that we had accomplished together. I felt love, in love and I wanted you. Today what I write to you is broken and bruised. It's shaded with graphite pencil, darker in its core. I don't feel that magical, colorful, wistful love. I feel the havy, dirty, mud stuck to the bottom of my boots, the ones that don't fit me in the first place. I am wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting back and forth as my Jaw viciously controls each movement. Their is a big storm brewing... the storm chasers won't be able to catch it. Mother nature can't stop it. I will hide in the bunker, hope for sunshine in the morning and will venture to explore the destruction, alone, tired, wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting...
Depression is wondering how you can do so much while being so sad and disconnected from yourself. It's wondering why you can be so many wonderful things to so many people and feel like nothing for yourself. It's wanting so much for everyone else to get you, to get the "it" that haunts you, but knowing no one can say anything to make a difference. It's feeling so deeply it hurts. Managing depression is not an end goal. There is never an "end", there is only a path. Depression is hating yourself, feeling alone in a crowded room, wondering why you can't just feel the way everyone else does. It's living in your 16 year old brain of self centered thoughts and risky behavior. Depression makes you wonder and wonder. Depression makes you acutely aware that there isn't a cure to the ugly thoughts that haunt you. It robs you of joy, connection and clarity. Depression is a demon, that only an exorcism can extract. There has to be an end, but at the ...
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