I Miss You So Much

Follow my journey through grief  and motherhood through poetry after the loss of our Piper Lynn. 

You are not a 'what if'

You are a 'what is'

To me

To us

To the world

You were a vision, painted from the love of two brush strokes.

You are a storm building power every day that you are gone. 

You gave us life.

You are beautiful, you are you. 


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Depression

Staring blankly. Thinking clouded. Nowhere to be, but nothing to do. I am scared. Chest heavy.  Eyes drowsy. I am going somewhere, Nowhere to be known. I am leaving somewhere, I don't understand. Thoughts unable to stop, like bleeding from an unopened, uncared for wound.  My scream is silent.  My world isn't listening.
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this is real life

I wrote something beautiful about you.  It made me feel alive and validated... in the mushy, kid- like way. Where for a moment the wisdom of age and innocence of new love met. Magical feelings that sprinkle like fairy dust.  It represented all that we had accomplished together. I felt love, in love and I wanted you. Today what I write to you is broken and bruised. It's shaded with graphite pencil, darker in its core.  I don't feel that magical, colorful, wistful love. I feel the havy, dirty, mud stuck to the bottom of my boots, the ones that don't fit me in the first place. I am wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting back and forth as my Jaw viciously controls each movement.  Their is a big storm brewing... the storm chasers won't be able to catch it. Mother nature can't stop it. I will hide in the bunker, hope for sunshine in the morning and will venture to explore the destruction, alone, tired, wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting...
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