I Want to Know

I want to know, are you not here because of me?
Did you think I wasn't ready?
Are you disappointed, hurt, mad?
Or do you believe in me, that I can do something with your life?
I am selfish and want to hold you, knowing I never can. 
I am sorry if I caused you to leave the world.
Or is this your plan? 
How do I know you wanted this and how do I make sure to carry it out right. 
I need to know that you feel my heart opening to loving you. 
I need to know how to be there for you 
I need to know you are ok. 
I just want to tell you I love you. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

501 (c) 3

"We are a group" is how I used to start explaining Piper's Purpose. I would at some point in the conversation also share "no we don't have plans to become an official non- profit". Fast forward to today, the conversation has changed. "Piper's Purpose is a non profit, 501 (c) 3, with a board of directors, big dreams, great ideas and a targeted mission that includes nurturing connection and providing bereavement education in the pregnancy and infant loss community".  A little over two years ago, a little girl's heart stopped beating. She died. Her family began experiencing grief. Her purpose began. Piper's Purpose began to help me, Piper's Mom. Today I hope her purpose will continue to support others on their healing journey, starting with medical professionals.  Piper's voice is silent, but strong and I am honored to have learned from her and give her short life a lifelong purpose. 
Read more

this is real life

I wrote something beautiful about you.  It made me feel alive and validated... in the mushy, kid- like way. Where for a moment the wisdom of age and innocence of new love met. Magical feelings that sprinkle like fairy dust.  It represented all that we had accomplished together. I felt love, in love and I wanted you. Today what I write to you is broken and bruised. It's shaded with graphite pencil, darker in its core.  I don't feel that magical, colorful, wistful love. I feel the havy, dirty, mud stuck to the bottom of my boots, the ones that don't fit me in the first place. I am wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting back and forth as my Jaw viciously controls each movement.  Their is a big storm brewing... the storm chasers won't be able to catch it. Mother nature can't stop it. I will hide in the bunker, hope for sunshine in the morning and will venture to explore the destruction, alone, tired, wet, knuckles bleeding, fists clinched, teeth shifting...
Read more

Unfixed

Its hard for me to decide when to visit Piper at her grave. Sometimes I am nudged by her older brothers, other times I feel the need to touch her headstone and say out loud, "I love you". Sometimes I feel like a bad mom because I just drive by. Today, I felt rushed between things, but also felt I needed to visit. As I drove down the gravel road, the sun peaking through the clouds casting beautiful shadows next to each headstone, I saw a new grave being prepared near Piper. A new neighbor, and a new family in the trenches of their loss. I told Piper I hope she has a new friend to play with, but also apologized that another baby wasn't in their mommas arms. Surprised by unfamiliar emotions casting over me, I started to feel angry, followed by helpless, followed by confusion. I looked at the small patch of dirt, rickety table and square piece of artifical grass waiting to welcome the family to their baby's permanent resting space. How would they turn that old table into ...
Read more