Choosing Not to Forget

As we move into 2021, it seems to be common thought that 2020 was awful, and must be forgotten. 2020 created experiences and uprooted uncomfortable feelings for our entire world. Some people were filled with anticipatory grief and fear, while others were living in the thick of awful traumas and sadness. Some people ignored the realities of our world, while others chose to stand strong and tall, and speak out. For me, 2020 was a shit show mixed with confusion, fear and appreciation. The most impactful experience for me was our daughter dying due to Trisomy 13. I felt all sorts of things, each changing everyday. I experienced depression, worry, fear, grief, sadness, desire, hope, love... 
But as we each enter 2021 searching for "better", let us not assume those of us who experienced death and loss want to forget that part of our story and merely move on. As mothers and fathers who had hoped to ring in the new year with sleepless nights, tiny bows and coos from our babies, we enter this new year as very new people. The lives that entered only our hearts in 2020 are some of our most important, cherished and loved memories. Our hearts actually grew. Yes, we want it to all be different, and we are struggling with the thoughts of what could have been. But in that yurning, we may not want to forget to ease our pain. Our pain, resting in the arms of our grief, is our measurement of love for those we lost last year. I needed 2021 to get here to allow rebirth, but not to forget the death that preceeded the next part of my story. Love can never be taken away from us and we certainly will not leave it behind in an effort to ease our hurt.

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