Life Balance Circle

The first exercise I did with my grief therapist after Piper was delivered, was filling out the life balance circle. Pretty much everything on there was rated low, joy was the lowest with creativity and relationship being rated the highest. My husband and I were closely managing our sadness together. I was knitting and writing to manage my response to the trauma having and losing so quickly. But even within days of completing that exercise, things were shifting to a darker place and it wasn't looking good. I remember, as I filled it out, that I trully believed life always had been void of joy and always would be. The messages depression was delivering to my concious mind were percieved as the truth. As I sit looking at this life balance circle, I feel like I am looking at someone else's circle. It seems like that person is so sad, helpless, lonely and apparently she was. When grief is no longer alone in your brain and depression makes its landing, shit gets real, real fast and grief is a thing of the past. As I venture back into the world, and I see myself engaging differently, perceiving more accurately and motivated to do lots of things- I have finally accepted that I did suffer post partum depression and my journey with depression may be a lifelong journey. It's not a choice, it's mental illness and no one, along with pregnancy loss, is immune to it. I look forward to completing the life balance circle again soon and I think it will look and feel different this time around. 
*mental illness requires diagnosis and intervention by a professional

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