The Healing Thief

Since we lost Piper, many women have shared their babies, their stories, their hurt and appreciation with me. These deeply fragile pieces of their life story are not ones easily shared or received. When a woman sais to me, "my miscarriage was much earlier than yours, so its not as hard as what you are experiencing," I am quickly reminded that even with our common thread, each of our stories are very different, yet we are quick to compare. Why do we do this to ourselves and others? May be because we feel a need to reassure someone else with comparisons that favor their story, may be because we need to find ways to lessen our ache. May be because as women we are endocterinated to compare, judge and question to survive society. Our stories are absolutely different, but those differences do not necessitate comparison. No story or life is of less value than another. 

As humans we are each different and so are our experiences with loss and levels of connection to our pregnancy or baby. We have developed different coping stradegies, responses to parenting, and attachment to our maternal energy. 

I have put a lot of intentional thought into the loss of a pregnancy or baby, at any stage. I have come to realize that for some, the experience is a pregnancy, to some it is their baby, to some it is years of hopes and dreams gone, to some it completely dismantels their existence, to some its the completion of their family that never was.

We cannot let comparison in our village rob us the opportunity of experiencing our loss on our terms. 

Mending our hearts in the presence of another requires a safe space, one that allows deep connection and open exploration. Comparing our stories outwardly to relate or ease pain is a theif to healing. The feelings and emotions surrounding the loss of our pregnancy or baby become a part of our life long string with pre existing knots, kinks,breaks, swerves. Comparison is the thief that steals our power. It does not strengthen our common thread, it unravels it. The beauty of our power is that we can love ourselves and our friends fiercly, without question, without explanation.