Piper Lynn

Today I had an hour alone. As I drove with the windows down, having space to experience the feel and sound of the wind blowing, I thought "I haven't been this happy in a long time." The thought was fleeting, because I became scared to think this. The months after after experiencing loss - I subconsciously was living and keeping myself in a place of "sad". For many reasons my spirit needed this to protect me during those initial months of deep grief and scary depression. There were chemical changes happening in my brain that were out of my control. My mind remained in this state because I believed that this was how I would feel forever and because it didn't seem fair to feel happy.  But today is different. When people told me my response to grief would change, and it's role in my life would shift with time- I didn't believe them.  But today is different,  I get it now.  No two timelines are the same for everyone.  Some people want to hear "it wil...

Since we lost Piper, many women have shared their babies, their stories, their hurt and appreciation with me. These deeply fragile pieces of their life story are not ones easily shared or received. When a woman sais to me, "my miscarriage was much earlier than yours, so its not as hard as what you are experiencing," I am quickly reminded that even with our common thread, each of our stories are very different, yet we are quick to compare. Why do we do this to ourselves and others? May be because we feel a need to reassure someone else with comparisons that favor their story, may be because we need to find ways to lessen our ache. May be because as women we are endocterinated to compare, judge and question to survive society. Our stories are absolutely different, but those differences do not necessitate comparison. No story or life is of less value than another.  As humans we are each different and so are our experiences with loss and levels of connection to our pregnancy or b...

Sitting.  Pain in my stomach. Remembering the boys days of birth. Remembering what I wanted with Piper.  Wanting to feel it all differently.  Hearing the cries.  Wanting more.  Wanting Piper and Wanting a baby in my arms.  Each place adds peace or dissapointment.  Sharing my story. Helping others. Being in places that remind me of what I wanted. Healing the large cracks in my heart.. Being in these places forces me to go there. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. To think about my experience. What I wish it would have been. What I hoped her to be.  People who can understand and see the importance. People who can't or won't dive into the truth about loss. I am at odds with the truth.  But I am here and so is she. 

JOY! My husband and I found out I was pregnant in May 2020, during the beginning of the COVID 19 pandemic in the United States. The new addition would be joyfully welcomed by three older and loving brothers. It was a bit of a surprise, I was scared, but chose to fill my thoughts with more Joy and less fear. I feared what having a baby in a pandemic would look and feel like compared to previous experiences. None the less, we carried on, wrapped our growing baby in our joy while silently hoping that our fourth child would be our first girl. And she was.  Prenatal Care and the Pandemic During the pandemic, prenatal care was different, appointments were done via telehealth and the medical world was preoccupied with new protocols brought on by COVID 19. I had an ultrasound completed at 10 weeks GA: normal. A follow up visit in the office at 12 weeks: normal. My 16 week visit was a telehealth call. I remember saying to the Nurse Practitioner "I just don't like that I cannot be in th...

The first exercise I did with my grief therapist after Piper was delivered, was filling out the life balance circle. Pretty much everything on there was rated low, joy was the lowest with creativity and relationship being rated the highest. My husband and I were closely managing our sadness together. I was knitting and writing to manage my response to the trauma having and losing so quickly. But even within days of completing that exercise, things were shifting to a darker place and it wasn't looking good. I remember, as I filled it out, that I trully believed life always had been void of joy and always would be. The messages depression was delivering to my concious mind were percieved as the truth. As I sit looking at this life balance circle, I feel like I am looking at someone else's circle. It seems like that person is so sad, helpless, lonely and apparently she was. When grief is no longer alone in your brain and depression makes its landing, shit gets real, real fast and ...

After our sweet Piper was delivered at 18 weeks and my husband and I began a part of our parenting journey, we so innocently thought we would never experience, I began feeling isolated in my grief. As I reached out via social media support groups and read articles about pregnancy loss, it appeared that I was not alone in my loneliness. As I lived my experience more and more each day, I kept questioning this isolation during and after pregnancy loss. I first chalked it up to people just not knowing what to say to the 1 in 4 of us that experienced this. Then I generally blamed society for not creating a safe space for us to talk. Then I thought it was because we, as parents, were so tired in our grief journey,  that we perpetuated the stigma surrounding pregnancy loss. But none of those fully addressed my wondering.  The dark cloak of judgement and embarrassment that many of us wear after pregnancy loss, isn't made solely of any of my prior wonderings. The fibers that make up th...

Before you had Postpartum Depression, your days were structured much differently. Feeling validated in your self worth and connecting with your sense of identity involved a lot of moving pieces that you were the leader of. Well balanced meals would have been planned, doctors appointments made, programs created at work, friendships confirmed and house cleaned. All in one day. To have a sense of satisfaction, A LOT would have to happen. But now you are experiencing  Postpartum Depression, everything is deemed impossible by the chemicals in your brain that you have no control over. You don't get to be validated by a long day in the office or managing household duties. Now that you are experiencing PPD you have only brief moments to achieve any sense of worth and they come in the form of sitting up and moving your body, or taking a shower, or having a half-lucid conversation with a close family member.  You are beaten down by depression and you are slowly being robbed of confidenc...